I was raised by a set of parents with equally volatile emotions as mine yet somehow they did not come out passionately enough. However, this is no commentary on how they were as parents since I cannot be so generous as to share my piece with complaints about either of them. Neither can I blame my ‘stickler for rules and principles’ personality on my folks. But on most days I see more of them in me than I do myself. I hate the idea of being a distorted reflection of anyone, no matter how outstanding they might be. This fear, if I let it, would consume me whole since it is ever so slightly taking over my faculty to think.
Why am I so Type-A? Well, how else would I justify myself to the court proceedings that are momentarily weighing each word that I write? The jury says I have already divulged too deep into a corner that rarely sees sunlight. Today, for your entertainment I bring them to the surface and I promise not to joke about it. I have realized my “jokes” mostly mask my sincerity, for no fault of their own.
I feel the whole range of emotions in excess, more than medically advised. But I like this range of emotions, limited to the inner chambers of the dungeons of Sir Brain. All my passion stays inside me and when it comes out it wears the garb of anger. On the surface, I deem it right to put on the stoic pretense of a King’s guard. It’s familiar but it still requires work. There are moments when I have let go of that so-called, stoicness.
And contrary to what I am comfortable believing, no one in a room full of people notices or frankly cares. We are all parakeets who love staring into mirrors. This is no social commentary, a projection perhaps.
I hate people who take pity on themselves. So I am no self-sympathiser but what I am is honest. And honestly, I hate that I fear vulnerability yet I am so quick and gullible to want to tell everyone, everything about me. And there I sit in a crossfire of what should and should not be said. Using a measure to balance out both. And in more honesty, I don’t know which I fail at worse, being a liar or being me.